


Kingsmeme

by EggMuffin



Series: Kingsmeme [1]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Crack, Gen, M/M, Memes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 06:57:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3600567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EggMuffin/pseuds/EggMuffin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5 times Eggsy used memes outside of the internet and 1 time Harry surprised him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kingsmeme

**Author's Note:**

> I am a memeloving fuck. I love memes. I am the memequeen. So it's only natural my versions of the characters are going to be memeloving fucks, too.
> 
> Also imagine Eggsy dancing to Dance Wiv Me by Dizzee Rascal.
> 
> tumblr: eggmuffinwrites

1

Eggsy's first day off in three months finds him walking in Kensington Gardens with Harry, eating fish and chips. It's a sight, really, Harry with his suit and coat, fishing chips out of the newspaper, licking the grease off his fingers. Eggsy's in jeans and a leather jacket, thankful to be out of that damned suit for a day. He supposes Harry has gotten so used to it, it's like second skin to him, but Eggsy likes to wear normal clothes every once in a while.

 

They chat and walk slowly, enjoying the early spring and could, probably, pass off as father and son, if it weren't for Eggsy smoothing Harry's hair back and Harry placing his hand low on Eggsy's back every now and then.

 

It's inevitable that at least someone will notice. It's a shame it has to be the drunk arsehole lounging on the bench, who calls, ''How much does 'e pay ye, then, kid?''

 

Eggsy tries hard to ignore him and Harry starts to pick up his pace when the man speaks again, ''You, bloke with the coat! You one of 'em sugardaddies? Need a lot of cash to keep young thing like 'im with you?''

 

Eggsy stops trying to ignore him. ''You wot, mate?'' he says turning towards the man. ''I'll bash ye 'ead in, I swear on me mum!''

 

The two girls passing them at that moment snort at Eggsy's words and Harry drags his partner away from the situation.

 

''Eggsy, what was all that about?''

 

''Don' like it when people say 'em things 'bout you, 'Arry,'' Eggsy says sullenly.

 

''Pay them no mind, Eggsy. ''Bash ye head in?'' That's a bit much, isn't it?''

 

'''t's just a sayin', Harry.''

 

 

2

Eggsy loves salt. He'll have it on and in everything, save for tea and coffee. Harry is appalled at the insane amounts of salt Eggsy consumes, Merlin is confused because how is it even possible to eat something so salty and Roxy keeps reminding him that sodium is not good for you. Eggsy doesn't care what anyone says, he's got his preferences and the rest can fuck off. Pouring half a ton of salt over your food also means that no one will want to steal it, not even JB, who has learned to beg for morsels from Harry's plate.

 

''How can you eat that much salt? Honestly, Eggsy,'' Harry mutters as they sit down to have dinner that he has lovingly prepared and watches as Eggsy proceeds to coat his portion with salt.

 

''What can I say, Harry,'' Eggsy replies with a grin, ''I crave that mineral.''

 

3

It was supposed to be a night off. Roxy and he had gone to this swanky club that was supposed to be the best in town and Eggsy had been in the middle of showing off his best moves to _Dance Wiv Me_ when the party was interrupted by a gunshot. Roxy yelled, ''Cover!'' and most people managed to get down or hide behind tables before the next shot rang out.

 

He and Roxy were hiding behind the bar. ''Got any weapons on you?''

 

''Just the watch,'' Roxy replies. ''Think it's a random shooting?''

 

''Probs,'' Eggsy replies. No one knew they were from Kingsman, right?

 

A couple more shots rang out. Eggsy could hear some people crying. Fuck, they need to sort this out. He stood up slowly to peek over the bar. There were three men, each sporting a balaklava and several weapons. ''Come out, Robert!'' one of them yelled.

 

Eggsy cursed whoever this Robert was. ''Okay, Rox, I say we sneak 'round the bar, up behind 'em, beat the shit outta 'em and get the fuck out before rozzers get 'ere? Sound like a plan?'' Eggsy whispers.

 

Roxy nods and they sneak out from behind the bar, shushing the barmen who try to stop them. Eggsy grabs two bottles of vodka and hands one to Roxy. Having his umbrella would be nice, but in a pinch, a bottle of Absolut will do. Keeping low, they wait until the man who was keeping eye on their general area turns away. As soon as his back is towards Eggsy and Roxy, they strike, running up to the men and not holding back when it comes to taking them down. Eggsy hits one of the men straight on the head and stabs him in the neck with the bottleneck for good measure. The body drops with a satisfying thump. Roxy takes down the second man with a swift kick in the solar plexus, knee to the balls and a shove against the wall that is sure to leave a concussion.

 

The third man is on Eggsy, and this time, he doesn't have the element of surprise working for him. He rids the guy of his gun fast enough, but a knife takes it's place and honestly, as much as Eggsy loves hand to hand combat, it's a bit unfair that the other bloke has a blade.

 

''I came out to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now,'' Eggsy mutters under his breath and moves in for another blow.

 

To his surprise, the man slumps mid-strike to reveal Roxy standing behind him, hand lifted to aim a dart from her watch into the man's neck. ''Cheers, Rox, you're the guvnor,'' Eggsy says and bends to pluck the dark out of the man's neck.

 

Around them people are starting to rise and look around and they make it out of the back door with a minute to spare before the police arrive.

 

They receive a stern lecture from Merlin and Harry over the next day's headline, ''Mystery duo stops night club shooting''.

 

4

''Merlin, tell me we're close,'' Harry huffs as he runs from the angry mob chasing him. He doesn't doubt that he could take them down in combat, but right now it's very important to get out fast and get the hard drive into a safe place as soon as possible.

 

''We're close, but you're going to have to get to extraction point on foot. Eggsy can't bring the car any closer,'' Merlin answers. ''Come on, old man, keep left.''

 

''Piss off, Merlin. Eggsy, be ready.''

 

''Am ready, Harry. Nice ride you've got, by the way. Bit big, though, for extraction.''

 

''Piss off, Eggsy,'' Harry says, and calculates when to throw the hand grenade for it to have maximum effect. The decides he's going to do it when Eggsy and the car are in sight. He keeps left, skidding slightly as he rounds corners and wishes not for the first time that the Kingsman oxfords had soles that weren't so slippery.

 

Finally he spots the car ahead and fishes the hand grenade from his pocket.

 

''Ayy, Harry, I can see you!'' Eggsy says. ''I'm in me 'Arry's car, broom broom.''

 

Harry throws the hand grenade behind him and legs it, quite literally, for his life.

 

He's six feet from the car when Eggsy opens the door for him. ''Get in, come on!''

 

Harry barely has time to close the door behind him when Eggsy's flooring it. He drives fast and maneuvers recklessly, but gets them to safety.

 

''Get out of me car,'' Harry says when they stop in front of one of the Kingsman safehouses.

 

''Aw.''

 

5

When becoming a Kingsman, one has to give up a few things. Slow mornings and lie ins for example. So when Harry and Eggsy happen to have a Wednesday morning off together, it calls for celebration, and what better way to celebrate than with a round of lazy, indulgent morning sex. The noises Harry makes are music to Eggsy's ears and Eggsy's hands draw masterpieces on Harry's skin.

 

They don't have to get up when they finish and they're content to lie there, waiting for the sweat to cool and their heart rates to slow down.

 

''This is nice,'' Eggsy whispers into the crook of Harry's neck.

 

Harry hums in agreement and turns to kiss Eggsy's forehead. He traces his fingertips down Eggsy's side absentmindedly and it draws a small snort of laughter and a wiggle from the other man. Harry turns his head a bit more to look Eggsy in the eye. ''Are you ticklish?''

 

''No,'' Eggsy says and it's the worst lie Harry's ever heard. ''Are you sure?'' Harry asks and moves his hand to mimic his earlier gesture, which promps Eggsy to escape from Harry's embrace and put a pillow between them to shield himself.

 

''No, Harry, no, please. Come on,'' Eggsy pleads, but Harry's got that mishevious gleam in his eye that would be very endearing if it weren't for the situation at hand.

 

He removes the pillow between them with one swift move and Eggsy grabs his wrists to hold him back.

 

''Don't do it, Harry.''

 

Harry breaks free of Eggsy's grip.

 

''Hoe, don't do it.''

 

Harry does it.

 

''Oh my god!''

 

+1

Let it be said that when Harry Hart gets drunk, and properly drunk, none of that drinking-for-show-because-we're-on-a-mission-and-I-can't-blow-my-cover bullshit, but really, properly _pissed,_ witnesses are about to get a show. Because Harry's a funny drunk. Eggsy suspects Harry fancies himself a bit of a comedian anyway, but when the alcohol melts down the polite gentleman front, Harry is on _fire_.

 

Merlin says that he's seen Harry drunk on several occasions and has accumulated a sizeable collection of blackmail material. The only reason he doesn't use it is because Harry has seen Merlin drunk and knows things about Merlin that are best kept secret.

 

Eggsy plans on getting some blackmail material as well, or at least a video of a piss drunk Harry, to get back at him for the tickling incident.

 

What he gets instead is Harry invading his space, looking all flushed and loose-limbed, soft around the usually sharp edges. His speech is slightly slurred as he murmurs, ''I think I've had a bit too much.'' Eggsy decides he can't bring himself to film Harry like this, because the giggle, honest to God _giggle_ , that Harry lets out makes Eggsy want to keep this man all to himself.

 

Harry shrugs out of his jacket and places it on the back of a nearby chair. He then loosens his tie and with the face of a man who knows exactly what he's doing, leans in to whisper in Eggsy's ear, ''I'm too hot,'' and Eggsy wants to reply that yes, he is -

 

''Hot damn.''

 


End file.
